Origin: posted by Bella L to the original La Bella Journeys on 6/22/2015

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Psalm 68:19

This applies to so much of the life I am living right now… And it is a great echo of how I felt after church yesterday.

In regards to what I am feeling about the shooting in Charleston, South Carolina- it’s been heavy. My heart has been saddened and broken and felt very listless in the wake of such a tragedy. I asked myself over and over again “what can I do?” “How can I encourage reconciliation?” “How can I promote healing?” “How can I be a part of the change?” “How can I make room for people to grieve?”

Do you know how hard it is to seriously think about answers to those questions when you are in the middle of a tumultuous storm inside, and there is a raging war on the outside around you where people value their own opinions more than lives? If you have a empathetic or sympathetic heart…. And you’ve seen ANY media…. You probably know what I am talking about.

In the midst of it all, I fall on my knees and groan to the Lord above. This hurts.

My country is in upheaval- my people, Americans in all cases, black in majority cases, and Christians in some cases; they are dying. My heart is grieved and saddened, and burdened. I care for the people of my country- it is after all where I am from. I feel the weight of the fight black Americans are STILL fighting, the fight that started long before I got here, long before my 91 year old great grandmother was born, and I wonder how far my generation will have to carry the weight before those bonds are broken.

My heart is broken over the lives lost in a place of worship, a holy place… and I pray over and over that grief would not take those who loved them away from the Lord, but rather, give them the reprieve they need to be spurred on to continue to fight the good fight of faith.


Loving people is really really hard when your hurting.


I think of Esther- risking her life for her people, feeling the weight of their plight. I think of Nehemiah, grieved by the brokenness of his home and in the midst of wall building, encouraging others to keep going. I cannot help but think of Jesus, cross bound. In the midst of so much pain, betrayal, and being despised, He managed to grieve in the garden, on His way up to Golgotha, and yet when He reached the top…. When He reached the top He somehow managed to still love us enough to go through with loving… in the midst of feeling it all. I want to live that kind of life! I want to be the kind of person who lives in a constant passionate pursuit of Jesus in all things….


But it is hard. Loving people is really really hard when you are hurting.

At church, our pastor has been preaching through the book of Nehemiah. Before that I had been talking about Esther’s story with my husband. And, before that, Our bible study group had gone through the book of Job. One thing all of these people had in common is that they went through a period of grief. They prayed and fasted…. They lamented. At church we’ve talked about the importance of lamenting and grieving, we’ve talked about how here in the U.S.A. we are not all that good at properly doing those things… We don’t know how to be emotionally healthy. For those of us who are spiritual, that eats away at our spiritual health as well. A quote from my journal says “We don’t know how to be holistically healthy… That’s where rehabilitation comes in.”

I had an amazing experience at church yesterday. The way my church gathered to pray for our brothers and sisters in Charleston, and to support the black community and those hurting here in Philly- it was truly awe inspiring. I cannot thank God enough for my church family!

Our pastor continued the series on Nehemiah, and spoke to the tragedy in Charleston South Carolina.  At the end of his sermon (you can listen to it here or here) called us into groups of 3 or 4 and asked that their be some diversity in our groups. We prayed for the families who lost loved ones and the family of the shooter, but we took time out to pray for black Americans and to pray for (with permission of course) those in the congregation who are black Americans. We were called to really see each other, and to grieve, recognizing that grief is the precursor to healing.

I cannot describe how impactful this was for myself and several others. I’m so thankful to be a part of a community that is pursuing a Godly kind of reconciliation, acknowledging that All Lives Matter but that we are focusing on Black Lives right now. 

I’m in a process of learning how to walk out Psalms 68:19… I’m learning to praise the Lord while letting him carry my burdens. This is no small feat for me, but it is well worth it. I’d encourage you to listen to the message. I pray it speaks to you too.