Election Night

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

I’ve started and rewritten this blog post quite a few times…

Tonight, I sit at my laptop after midnight, attempting to write it again, hoping it will manifest into something worthy of actually posting. You see, I wanted to write a post about my anxieties, concerns, and thoughts about what the period post voting polls closing through January would look like. I wanted to share something heartfelt and compelling. I wanted to share coping and self care tips for other BIPOC like me who are having a tough time with whichever way this election goes- hoping that one outcome might give us a little more time and leeway to put in the work we so desperately see needs to happen for our homes / lives to be safe. Unfortunately, the more I tried, the more I hit that backspace key and dreaded the weeks, days, then hours to come.

So here I am, eating a pudding cup, typing away, trying not to look at the voting results too often.

Earlier in the day, I posted this on facebook:

And await the country does, most with bated breath.

This afternoon I’ve listened to others share their thoughts and experiences throughout this year, this election cycle, and through all the heightened awareness of large political and social movements.
Because of this, I know that my own experience through this has certainly not been unique in being rocky as hell. I’m not gonna lie, there have been intense moments of fear, many feelings of defeat, and a whole lot of pain. There has been life swallowing grief encompassing the scattered moments of unity and community I’ve felt this year. There has been both a widening of my scope of understanding and deepening of my faith as much as there has become a heightened sense of flight / fight / freeze and awareness of the state of my country. A lot of things I have believed (including about both my faith & politics) has been shaken and thrown up in the dust…. yet the things that have since settled, I find more solid than they were before.

What gets me the most about how things are “panning out” currently isn’t so much about the opposing sides and all their peacock-ing, but about how much I feel is at stake for me personally and the lives of those I love. And, I speculate that this is what it feels like to many regardless of what side of the political spectrum they are on.

Personally, I’m pretty torn up about this election. This is the very first election ever that I was invested in, and the first election I was excited to vote in. Before this year, I had never voted, and when this election cycle came around and I found a candidate I was actually inspired by… It was like a magical disney princess moment had happened for me on this political journey I’ve been trying to figure out for 10 years now. Sadly, the candidate that I was excited about and inspired by was locked out of the political arena and all the magic came sputtering to a smoke and haze filled halt. When the smoke cleared I was left with choosing the lesser of 2 evils and absolutely no inspiration or admiration…. just a hope for the best chance of survival.

Still, as someone who had not ever voted, I was convinced this year was my year to commit and I participated for the first time ever in calling about political issues, becoming more involved in activism, learning more about and reading through policies that will affect me and my loved ones and those I hope to someday bring into this world. Long story short- amidst the pandemic shutting down ID and license departments and our moving across state-lines, getting identification to match my state in time for the election was proving difficult. After trying to figure it all out I was essentially told that I was technically registered but could no longer receive the mail in ballot on time for a state I had left, and that I would be turned away for not having matching ID for the state I was in.

I wouldn’t be able to vote.

THIS was heavy.

I’d spent so much time paying attention to the issues and reading policies. So much time staying on top of the news, calling government officials about incidences of police brutality and unjust deaths of BIPOC, encouraging others to vote, listening to citizens and politicians debate! I was ready to cast my vote and to do so confidently. But it was no longer an option due to circumstances outside of my control. It felt like the rug had been ripped out from under me. I wanted to give up. Was anything I had been fighting for worth it if I couldn’t / didn’t even vote in what feels like one of the most monumental elections in my lifetime?

I honestly don’t have an answer to that. Between this and the really big feelings I’ve had around the pandemic, the lynching of black Americans in 2020, the riots, the white violence, and the dismissal of BIPOC as credible US citizens with real voices in 2020 *phew*… It’s a lot to hold and a lot to want to change. I know that if I don’t steward my mental and spiritual health accordingly, it would be easy to be swallowed up by it all.

And by “it all”, I mean the fact that 4 more years of Trump, especially under his Race & Sex EO, would be hell for BIPOC and only do favors for cis-white men…. but mainly an orange one.

By “it all”, I mean that 4 years of Biden still mean 4 years of fighting tooth and nail for policies that actually reflect that Black Lives Matter and BIPOC are welcome to the table.

By “it all”, I mean the fact that people feel emboldened enough by our sitting president to do illegal stuff like running campaign buses off the trail while he approves from his seat in the white house, or police obstructing the voting process by pepper spraying and arresting people literally mass walking to the voting polls organized by a church group.

By “it all”, I mean that I fully expect the actions and reactions of citizens regardless of who wins this election to be violent between now and January… Because some people these days seem to feel emboldened to do whatever they want to whomever they want, and some will feel a need to protect their communities and the lives of those they love.

So I take a deep breath.

I remember that I am fighting for “Love & Justice” a-la Sailor Moon.

The reality is that because of the faith I hold, I know that Jesus is on the throne regardless of who wins the election. No demigod or politician can ever unseat him, and regardless of what it may temporarily look like at times, straight up evil will never win in the long run. So while I’m here on this earth I will continue to speak truth to power and hold up the hands and words and stories of the marginalized and disenfranchised. I will muster up the strength I have left to pursue a life like Jesus’s, to be his hands and feet in present time. I will continue to learn from the BIPOC leaders I see continuing the hard work that must continue for us to grow and become a better country…

***If you think you might need some resources or safe spaces to gather in to process over the next few days, I invite you to checkout this 2020 Election and Post Election Support Gatherings & Resources list & links.***