⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️
Discussion of traumatic events ahead. Including the topics of sexual assault, anxiety, depression, body image, and infertility.

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God’s Presence

Lately I have been thinking about the impact of God’s presence in my life- the Holy Spirit, and how I want to help cultivate safe spaces for others to experience that.

Without a very authentic and personally impactful encounter with God’s presence, I never would have known the love of God…. And it is that encountering of God’s presence that changed my trajectory, my journey, my life- it is that encountering of God’s presence that made it possible for me to make it through everything I have ever been through… and I really don’t think I would have made it otherwise.

I feel like this is something that the church as a whole is failing to do, at least here in my context within the United States.
We’ve overemphasized opinions and wielding scripture and theological study to win arguments. We’ve lost sight of the heart of God because we no longer spend time in or seeking God’s impactful presence. We can’t guide others there because of this, and we can’t even get them in the door because they flee at the first sign of the show that we’ve perfected that leaves no room for authentic relationships with each other, or them; or even vulnerable relationship with God.

I grew up in a Cristian household and Cristian church. As a child I never doubted that God was real, but when we found out that my father had died in a tragic winter accident, I doubted all that I had been told about God. My image then of God was a mean old man with a long white beard wielding lightning bolts from the sky… all while reveling in the pain and suffering of humankind that he continued to caused.
At the time, I was 5 years old. I had lost my loving earthly father, my spiritual one, and any drop of faith that was left in that moment.

As I grew older and went with my family to church I could not reconcile this God (who I undoubtedly believed existed but hated me) with the goodness I continued to be told about. I could not see how this faith was good news.

It wasn’t the words of my grandmother or of a youth pastor that brought me to embrace my faith again. Sometime between ages 11-13 I went to my first youth group retreat and I witnessed “miracles”. I wasn’t convinced until someone I knew had been suffering from a particular ailment was miraculously healed in front of my own eyes. My reaction was not that of awe and wonder. My reaction was anger. Why would this God I’d heard so much about, been taught so much about, do all of this for others but only harm me? I had a physically broken bone on this trip, but that wasn’t really what I desired to be healed. It was the internal wounds and anger and pain that I had been carrying. That night I moved away from the crowd and begged God to encounter me if what I believed to be true was not true. That night I ended up laying everything out there… and God met me where I was at.

Y’all, that encounter with the presence of God was not pretty! It was messy, it was painful, it was hard. But in the midst of my sorrow and pain, I was met with a love and a compassion that was beyond all understanding. In the morning, I woke up feeling so light- and my bone was completely healed, free of all swelling, bruising, and pain. I made a decision that day to give this spiritual journey a try… and while my faith looks very differently than it did then, that moment is what helped me get through every moment (ranging from difficult to traumatic) ever since.

My timeline is fuzzy, but sometime not too long after that I survived sexual assault. That’s a post in itself for another time… but this began my struggling with deep depression, body image, and often asked God to kill me when I prayed.

I hid my “bad feelings” for shame of what others would say or think of they knew- especially within the church. I trusted God… but I did not trust many people. I wrote lyrics and poems and spent time reading the psalms and singing to God in my room or whenever I had time alone. I often remembered the moment I chose faith again…and why. All that to say that that is the only way I can explain how I have survived any of the darkest times in my life.

That wasn’t the only time I’ve experienced the presence of God. Though that initial testimony will be with my always, my life has always moved forward and significantly been impacted during those moments where I have encountered the holy divine.

Creating Authentically Safe & Worship Spaces

Freddie and I have been helping with some family members’ ministry since we moved here, and recently I’ve been given ample opportunity to grow and explore what it looks like to lead corporate worship.

I laugh because while I’ve always enjoyed private worship time and worship times led by others, I’ve never seen myself as a “worship leader” even though I’ve always wanted to be more involved with a worship team. I see myself as a mediocre singer with no musical knowledge who is just very moved by music and musical expressions. Even joining a worship team is something I have hesitated towards as an adult for a lack of feeling practically and spiritually adequate. As a child I loved singing and wrote many songs. As a teenager, I was often told my voice was nothing special. Unfortunately I listened to those voices… and although I sang quietly while I was alone and would worship when I was alone, I avoided singing near others for many years because of that.

Still, my heart has always thrived in those worship spaces and in creative spaces where expressing my faith was welcome. I found ways to engage in worship through dance, through poetry, through other mediums of art. In these spaces too I have found and encountered the presence of God… and it has been so healing and transformative to me throughout my life…. this is why I want to make room for others to potentially experience the same thing. To experience an impactful encounter with God and whatever it is that God’s presence would bring them in that moment. I’m hoping and praying that this journey of leading worship will do exactly that, regardless of my own insecurities over the role.

And while I reflect on what makes spaces welcoming and ready to be a vehicle for authenticity; I remember the need to be seen for who I was, to be able to ask difficult questions without any fear of admonition or dismissal, the feeling of my whole self being welcomed to the table exactly as I was. I remember the importance of investing time not only in personal relationships, but also communal ones. The importance of cultivating a truly safe and judgement free space where the good, the bad, and the ugly can all be laid out bare. I don’t know that I’ll be any “good” at this, but I know that Its something I desire to see for others and the church- it’s something I am willing to try to do.

From those dark moments as a teen, through some dark moments as a college student, even still through the deepest lows of my ongoing journey with infertility and anxiety and mental health… to the deepest joys and greatest hopes, moments of pure unadulterated happiness within my purpose and marriage and pockets of community… it is those very moments of authentic worship and prayer from the realest and rawest places within my soul that I encounter the divine, the presence of God, the Holy Spirit / Holy Ghost. And it is in the choosing to believe when my faith has drawn thin, and choosing to rejoice when my joys have been beyond full, and waiting when the mundane seems to go on forever… it in all of this that I find myself reminded of how that presence changes lives.

May you encounter God for yourself. May the Holy Spirit bless you. May the divine bring you joy, compassion, comfort, and peace. Amen.