Image courtesy of Simon Dalmeri via Unsplash

This post was originally written and published by Bella L. on another site for Mothers Day, 05/12/2018.

“ {I know that some of you read that title and did a double take-
TRIGGER WARNING: discussion of loss, infertility, and death.
Please consider leaving a comment below if you read to the end!}

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day….

The day that we celebrate and honor our mom’s and shower them with a little extra love can be sweet memory makers… or it can be a day full of complex emotions. I’ve been blessed to have a decent relationship with my mama- something I know not everyone is able to say. This is at the forefront of my mind as I think of a friend with a complicated relationship with their mother, and as I think of the children of my husbands cousin who lost their mother earlier this month. There is both that to remember, that to celebrate, and yet that to grieve tomorrow.

This year is the first in a long while that I get to celebrate and celebrate with my mom and my mother-in-law. We’ve been out of state for the majority of our dating and marriage, so this is kind of a big deal. It also comes on the heels of a major surgery for my mom, so I’m thanking Jesus a little extra for her this Mother’s Day. Last night, Freddie and I joined her to see Avengers: Infinity War to celebrate Mother’s Day. Go ahead and laugh, but if there is one thing I know about my mom its that she likes action and superhero movies! Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs like any other relationship I suppose, but Mothers Days haven’t ever really been of the tense variety for me.

That is… until last year.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, than you know that a little over a year ago I found out that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), and I have written quite a bit about the things I struggle with in relation to that… But I have never really written openly and honestly about this particular aspect of that: Infertility.

When I went to that appointment to find out what was going on with me, I thought I was either having an ectopic pregnancy, or maybe even a miscarriage. To be honest, I was just scared. I had been suffering from a ton of health issues leading up to that, and I was kind of expecting the worst. I had read about PCOS, and all the things that could come with it. The diagnosis was not surprising…. yet I was shell shocked. We had been talking about getting pregnant… so to hear that this could be harder for me (I even had a doctor tell me I might not be able to have kids at all, which isn’t really true), was pretty hard. What made the following Mother’s Day so difficult was that word- infertility – and the fact that this desire to become a mother had been growing so strongly within me.

After that diagnosis… all of the children and mothers in my life, through friendship & work, had become painful reminders to me of not just my desire to be a mom, but that which I was lacking. It was also a painful reminder that something was wrong with me- my body wasn’t working right.
Because I worked with so many mothers and children, and so many women in my life were pregnant or had kids, I did all I could to push those feelings down and away. I didn’t know how to healthily work through them, and I certainly couldn’t just cut all of these people out of my life. I didn’t know how to talk about it, It seemed too taboo. It was exhausting. So on mothers day… it all came to a boiling point. 

I did my best to be happy at church, to hug every last little one. I even had my picture taken with some of the kids as we were doing Mother’s Day photos for the mom’s and someone wanted me in a picture with the kids since I was a “spiritual” mother. I appreciate that photo so much now, but at the time it was a pinprick on my heart… and I couldn’t wait for it to be over. All day long I felt like I was wearing the word “infertility” across my forehead, and “barren” across my waist. It was all in my head of course… but the fragility was so real. Church was so difficult that day. I wanted to run out of the building. I wanted to go home and hide in my bed in a nest of pillows and blankets. I didn’t know how to talk with anyone in church about it, so I avoided anything but pleasantries to keep my heart from breaking in two.

Later that night, after calling my own mother (states away), I let everything crash down. I gave myself room to grieve. I yelled at God. I tried to understand his purpose in it all… I couldn’t. I sobbed through prayers for a long time in the shower. I didn’t know how I was going to keep doing what I was doing with this weight on my heart. I love kids… I love mothers… I love church… and to try and hold that as well as such pain and confusion around if I would ever get to have my own kids, experience pregnancy, and live out the role of mother… It was a day I had to decide whether or not I would allow all of this to make me bitter. I chose against bitterness, and at the same time recognized that feeling these things and letting them run their course was probably the healthiest thing I could do.

This Mothers Day, I am a bit more removed from those feelings and working through this part in my journey to motherhood in a more healthy way. Still, Mother’s Day comes with a handful of complexities for me. I am a lot closer geographically to my mom and my mother-in-law, so I get to enjoy spending time with them. I have grown in appreciation for spiritual mothering, and have been able to provide that to some who really needed it and to celebrate those who have provided that for me myself… Yet, unlike some will say, that doesn’t fulfill this desire for children.

I find myself walking the tension between joyously celebrating / honoring my own mom and the women in my life who are also very much deserving celebrating, and this deep rooted desire that comes with questions and a little sadness and the reminder that I need to be ok with possibly never being in the biological role of mother… which to me, feels like a loss. And as I write these words now, I know I am not the only person who will have this kind of tension on mothers day. I might tear up tomorrow, I might be totally fine. Some of you may cry in the shower this weekend… That’s ok.

I am learning to hold the complexities of Mother’s Day in my hands. I am learning to let God lead me through these feelings and emotions that can be hard to express and understand. Motherhood is something to both celebrate, and yet can be something to grieve. Unfortunately, while our society has become a little more open about discussing issues pertaining to women, we still brush past things like infertility, miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, still births… all of which can be very hard to be vulnerable about and unhealthy to try and work through alone, or even just with a spouse. I dream of a day where these things are not taboo or shameful, but openly discussed and talked about just as much as motherhood is celebrated both in society as a whole and in church.

One thing that I have found helpful is not just being able to talk to my own mother and family about these things, but becoming more open about my own struggles in church and random conversations with other women so that maybe they can be empowered or encouraged to open up as well. People don’t always understand, which sometimes hurts just as much-  so use wisdom- but I’m in a place now where I am more compelled to share because I don’t want someone else to have to go it alone or feel like there is no one who can support them in this part of their journey. Jesus is present in this too.

So today, the day before Mother’s Day, I have prayers for those who will struggle through tomorrow.

“I pray for those who have lost a mother, whether that be due to a death, a lack of relationship, or a loss of relationship- 

I pray for those women who have lost a child, to a natural death, to gun violence, to drugs, to miscarriage or still birth, to loss of relationship-

I pray for those women who are still praying for their miracle baby, their rainbow baby, for things promised and prophesied-
I pray for those men who have lost and are grieving the mother of their children with their children-

May you hear the Lord tomorrow, and feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit

May you know in your heart of hearts and deep down in your soul

That Jesus is with you

He sees you

He knows you

all of your desires

all of those promises 

And the things that are broken
He longs to make them right

May you know his spirit

Stronger than ever tomorrow

And may he reveal himself to you

In a life changing way.”

-A Prayer for those torn on Mothers Day ”