Featured image is a throwback to Bella around 2017 in front of window decals to remind herself and the reader that we are all rad!

Growing up is a trip 😭

In this moment I’m unhappy with my body, and not because of weight or beauty or societal pressure…

But because of pains to varying degrees, muscle spasms, swelling… and a whole host of symptoms.

It’s hard sometimes to be in a body and not want to yell at it to work ”right”… “normally”… as expected… especially when doctors gaslight you or say nothings wrong when something is very clearly not ok. I’m better at advocating for others than myself when it comes to health and wellness amidst our ever changing healthcare systems… but that is a post for another time.

Tonight I find myself awake due to pain, discomfort, and the ever growing anxiety that builds as I calculate how much sleep I’ll actually get in the next 24 hours and how much I need to do tomorrow. Chronic health issues have conditioned me to care for myself throughout my day and to be aware of my sleep, but when new and unexpected circumstances evolve in this ever changing biological landscape I call “me”, this only adds to the frustration.

Have you ever felt disconnected from your body? Like the experience of living within your own flesh with all its physical and operational flaws and imperfections is really you navigating the experience of being within someone else? Sometimes it feels as though this vessel can’t really be mine… and then I find again and again that it is. I am cemented back to my reality sometimes by one painful episode, one drastically fatigued week, one fritzy nerve, one month of nausea at a time.

I don’t talk about much in regards to my physical and operational health here on the blog other than my infertility and reproductive health journey. That’s probably going to change this year.

Growing up is a trip!

I remember moving through the world without an ache or pain or feeling dizzy. I remember eating breakfast and enjoying it- rather than waiting for my persistent morning nausea to calm down.

This isn’t a pity party, I’m not looking for sympathy. I just miss the old me. I miss the younger* me. I’m frustrated with this current bag of flesh and bone. I hold these feelings in the tension of needing this old bag to do it’s job though.

I’m still seeking out how to speak life to her.

How to care for her in meaningful ways, in little ways, in ways that ease discomfort and in ways that pursue long term improvement.

I’m still finding ways to cope and tell her all will be well.

And I hold this with the tension of knowing my present is not my favorite.

Here’s to hoping 2023 only brings more healing ventures of the mind, body, and soul… and amazing Amazon suggestions to get through the rough patches!