You know the feeling when you expect there to be another step before you reach the bottom of the stairs, but it’s actually the floor just a little bit farther down than anticipated? That feeling of falling startled short? Or the feeling when you’ve reached the top of the stairs, but you thought there was another step so you take an extra large step and the people who see it are like “what was that?” And you try to explain the feeling once again of falling startled short?

This is the feeling that seems to have overtaken my first month or so of 2024.

There have been pretty good things popping up where I expected bad things and bad things popping up where I haven’t expected any things of any variety. I have found myself surprised, confused, sad, and also weirdly yet comfortably embraced by whatever 2024 is trying to shape up to be.

Did you come into 2024 with grand plans? I had one or two. Actually, only 1 real plan, the other was more of a hope or a wish. Let’s talk about the plan:

“The Truth Is” Podcast & Blog Series coming soon

While I hadn’t shared about it here yet, I came into 2024 with plans for a series on the blog while also launching into the series on a brand new addition to my works- a podcast! While there was no official launch date, I had hoped to be launching this first weekend of February.

The update on my social media looked like this:

“2024 UPDATE:

I’m going to write some really raw blog posts in the coming months…

Discussing hard things and personal things related to trauma, PTSD / CPTSD, Flashbacks, Panic attacks, and what it means to move forward with the insights I have now.

Writing for me is something I’m moved to and compelled to do. It is an outlet, but not always one I can control. In this instance, I’m feeling moved to be real about some of the stuff in my life and bring it out in the light.

I’m not going to hide my truths in the shadows anymore.

In doing this, I am not brave. I’m just allowing myself to be and to breathe.

Still, I know that truth tellers are rarely welcome where they once walked without truth…
This might alienate some people. There is risk. But they are risks I have to take to grant myself peace.

“The truth is…” series, coming 2024.”

The good news is, the podcast is still coming and still in production! The blog posts are waiting in the wings! It’s taking longer than I anticipated to get this off the ground, partially because I’ve been really busy, but mostly because of what I am going to share next…. It’s time to get vulnerable about what’s been going on with my health journey.

At the end of 2023 I had established a brand new doctor and we started talking about actively pursuing medical options to figure out what’s going on in my body, why have I never gotten pregnant, why are random health issues continuing to pop up or worsen and basically what can I do to just make things better and also find out what the chances are for me to even get pregnant naturally.

That brings us to today.

Today I saw a different doctor at my doctors office for a follow up after some blood work. Now, over the past 8 years, I have been diagnosed with Hidradenitis Supperativa (HS) & Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Over the past 2ish I’ve been diagnosed with Hypertension (which has surprisingly been coming down with mental health therapy) and Hypertriglyceridemia.

As of this last bloodwork, I am officially on the diabetes scale now too.

I’ve been really upset since seeing my labs last week because I have felt that I’ve been doing it all right- I’ve been working out and moving more, I’ve been eating a Mediterranean style diet. I’ve been trying to stay away from sugary drinks and most sugar altogether. I’ve been taking vitamins and supplements. I’ve been using less painkillers like ibuprofen, and I’ve been generally trying to take better care of myself holistically.… and yet… all I’ve done hasn’t been enough.

Nobody else in my family has this cocktail of health issues, I’ve been kind of the anomaly. I’ve been trying to stay positive and drink more water, not let the pain in my body stop me from doing life, and…. In the midst of all this, I’m hoping to be able to get pregnant… it’s just been a LOT.

Today, while we were talking the doctor stopped and said “listen, I can imagine all this information is overwhelming. I want you to know that none of this is your fault. You are doing all the right things, your body just has a couple extra things it has to fight against, so we are doing what we can and fighting against them.”

I felt both seen, and also sad.

She explained that these 3 things tend to work in tandem together, and they are working against my body… so it means extra work to get my body healthy and maintain that, but I am doing the right things. It was very meaningful to hear this from a doctor.

Being a woman of color has meant doctors in the past haven’t taken my pain seriously. Last year I went to the ER with what presented like a stroke, and even with two people present to advocate for me while I was not coherent, they sent me home and said it was all in my head. Having PCOS and HS means I have heard from many people and doctors that I just need to lose weight to be better and that I’m not doing enough to lose weight. Mind you, I’ve lost and maintained a 75lb weight loss already, and I’ve been feeling stuck at my current weight for at least 2 years, regardless of diet and activity.

At one point my doctor put her hand up and said “no, this is important, and I want to acknowledge this- you are doing the right things.”

And yet… Even with that affirmation…

It was also sad to feel the weight of what feels like helplessness to get my body in line. The anxious tension of living in the not knowing of what my body will do next. The sinking feeling of so much being outside of my control. What does it mean when you do all the “good” things and a negative trend presents itself?

My inclination is to be hard on myself, try to beat my body into submission, and be even more extreme with the “good things”. My inclination is to remind myself of all the terrible things that others have said about this body and its abilities. To tell myself that there is so much more that I could be doing- like working out harder and longer or eating less and being more restrictive.

My inclinations… they need to be turned around.

I’m learning that:

1. Beating this body up is not the answer.

2. Negative self talk, internal or external, does not help.

3. Restricting all my foods is not the answer.

4. Medication has also not been the answer…

5. It’s ok to cry about all of this and to allow myself to feel any and all of my feelings around this.

So here I am, exhausted… and feeling it all.

At the end of it all, I was referred for both genetic testing and fertility testing. This means more doctors visits, more poking and prodding. More hard work.

In a nutshell…

This is not how I saw my 2024 starting or playing out. The reality is though, that while this is all hard… there is some hope for the thing my heart desires most.

I’m sure I’ll talk about this journey more in future blog posts and even on the podcast- but infertility is a doozy. Each of my conditions is a doozy in itself! I’m at the point where I think I’m ok with finding out if the answer is no to having kids physically myself without IVF or IUI. I just want an answer on what’s going on with my body and what the likelihood is of such a thing actually happening. I’m not one who likes to string along hope pining away for something. I like answers… even if they aren’t the ones I’ve hoped for.

For now, I still have hope, but I am also realistic about the fact that this could go either way. The good news is that I have an amazing husband to support me as we both walk together through all this. I also have a great community already here in Ohio, and supportive friends from farther away who are willing to go to the deep and difficult places with me- and I couldn’t ask for more than that.

Here’s to the road ahead 🧉