I am angry. I am grief. And yet… I am also gratitude.

In my minds eye, I picture myself as a canvas, swirling with deep red, warm orange, and deep blue hues. It feels like a chaotic combination… but a real one nonetheless.

Anger is not an emotion I often have. I do get mad or pissed off here and there just like anyone else, but red hot anger is actually very rare for me. I am more familiar with the deep yawning chasm of grief that pulls one in with its own gravity… the deep throes of sadness and numbness of grief feel like familiar territory and the emotion I most often associate with any trauma I’ve experienced in my life. I know what it means to bring my grief to God in prayer and through worship…. Anger feels more difficult. I find myself asking now “God, what do I do with this?”

In the midst of these currently competing emotions, Gratitude is also there… but to write about that, I have to explain what has happened.

Yesterday I went to the ER with severe pain. I’ve been having this pain in my lower left pelvic area for months now- I think since April. I actually have had it 3x individually before all of this where sudden pain has made me drop to my knees, 2x in the past I went to the ER for this sudden pain and I was told both times that it was all in my head and nothing to worry about. Since April however, it’s very clearly not been just in my head.

The best way I can describe this pain is that sometimes when I’m walking I will get a sudden sharp pain, but most of the time since April it comes on by what feels like an intense squeezing, and the harder whatever is squeezing squeezes, the more pain I am in. When it lets up, I feel practically normal and I can go about business as usual. This pain comes and goes. I’ve been told by others that it almost sounds like a labor contraction- which I haven’t experienced- but that also prompted some of my doctors visits to rule out some other things.

I have a messed up pain register from falling off a ski lift when I was a kid (a story for another time), so I don’t always know when my body is in pain until it is really severe. At first, back in April, this sudden onset of pain freaked me out. I thought I might pass out. I was scared of a cyst or my fallopian tubes twisting, but several scans and appointments later that was determined to not be the issue. With my history of PCOS and small fibroids, I’m used to anything related to my reproductive system being kind of dismissed or downplayed. At first my doc thought this might be ovulation pain- which was actually exciting because of this current journey through infertility- but the pain hasn’t seemed to be consistently within the same time in my cycle each time it happens. It’s been happening all over the place.

I’m very much a “grin and bear it” person when it comes to pain, but yesterday it was so bad that I couldn’t think. I tried to walk it off to see if that helped, and it didn’t. When I started to get what I call “the pain shakes”, I knew it was time to go into the ER.

I always feel like I have to be on guard and ready to passionately advocate for myself in a hospital setting because of the horrendous and dangerous situations I’ve had in the past in various ER’s. I hate going because I fear I will be told that nothings wrong with me, that nurses will accuse me of wasting there time, or that I’ll end up another statistic of a brown person who did not receive proper treatment because the ER staff and doctors didn’t react appropriately or in time. I’m also sensitive because were discussing potentially my reproductive system and my longing for being a mother and having the opportunity to carry my own children is very strong…. And most of the time it feels like at any moment I could get life changing news for better or for worse when it comes to my reproductive system.

Because I’ve had so many scans lately and they all keep coming back clear, the ER doc didn’t want to do more. What was said very compassionately by this doctor is that everything sounds like and seems like a case of endometriosis. And while I was already shaking in pain and trying to hold myself together, that felt like the straw that broke the camels back. I just started weeping. They gave me some heavy duty pain meds and ran some tests to make sure I didn’t have any kind of infection or ectopic pregnancy, and everything came back clear. I was prescribed more heavy duty pain meds and advised to get my pain management under control before I return to work, but to keep taking pain meds until I get into the referral they gave me with notes about laparoscopic surgery.

(For those who don’t know, that’s a common surgery they do to find out if you have endometriosis and also if you do, to assess the extent and the where in order to make informed treatment plans.)

I’ve long wondered if endometriosis could be a source of various pains and complications I’ve had over the years, but no one (medical professionals) ever seemed to think it was an issue for me. While I am grateful to have a direction to pursue, while I am grateful that it looks like I might be on the path to finally get some answers, while I am grateful for pain relief and a compassionate doctor… I am also grieved and angry.

It took years for me to be diagnosed with PCOS and Hidradenitis Suppurativa– to finally start being able to treat and address some of the symptoms and pain that come with both… over 15 years from symptoms starting.

The past 9 years of my life have been spent trying to treat and regulate all kinds of symptoms, more diagnosis, and deal with more physical pain and nausea and weight gain and weight loss and too high blood pressure and too low blood pressure, to wondering whether or not I will ever get to have children or be pregnant, and then wondering if it will be safe in the places we’ve lived to even try to have children, and wondering if I should just remove all these painful organs already… It’s already been such a roller coaster of emotions and hope and faith and grief and financial loss.

This new development feels extra raw.

I’m grieved because of the uncertainties and unknown’s. I am angry because it took this long for someone to finally see me. To hear me. To recognize my pain is too high and actually needs to be addressed. I am angry because it all hurts so damn much physically & emotionally.

The past two weeks have held some other important things. Of course the election (which I currently have 0 capacity to talk about), But also Halloween celebrations with nieces and nephews, and celebrating 2 new nieces and nephews on the way- one of my friends is having a boy and the other is having a girl- both in the beginning of 2025, the privilege to be asked to sit with others in their pain, and the privilege to lead a time of worship. There have also been happy and less happy anniversaries- Including a work anniversary, a friendship anniversary, and then it’s been 1 year since I had to go no-contact with my own mother (that will be another post in itself).

I am holding and experiencing a lot of duality. I am grateful that I get to be an auntie to some amazing tiny humans. I also wonder if I will only get to be an aunt and never a mother. I am grateful to be where I am and love what I get to do, both in work and community. I also am really tired. I am grateful for new friends. I also really miss some of the older and farther away ones. I am grateful to have some happy childhood memories. I am disappointed that I never got to have a healthy relationship with my own mother, and it hurts to think I might never get to have a healthy relationship with my own daughter because she may never exist. I am grateful to have a husband who cares for me so well. I also am aware of how all of this stuff I’m dealing with also affects him. I’m grateful for the grace of God. Im grateful for the Lords faithfulness that has already seen me through so much. I also would like to stop going through stuff now.

Grief feels easier to lay out and lay down… Anger, again, new thing for me… anger feels harder. All I know right now is that all I can do is feel what I feel and talk to God about it. My hope is in knowing Jesus can provide for every need, even if I don’t understand or see how at the time. Like right now. The verse I am currently holding to is Matthew 14:13-21 TPT

“On hearing this, Jesus slipped away privately by boat to be alone. But when the crowds discovered he had sailed away, they emerged from all the nearby towns and followed him on foot. So when Jesus landed he had a huge crowd waiting for him. Seeing so many people, his heart was deeply moved with compassion toward them, so he healed all the sick who were in the crowd. Later that afternoon the disciples came to Jesus and said, “It’s going to be dark soon and the people are hungry, but there’s nothing to eat here in this desolate place. You should send the crowds away to the nearby villages to buy themselves some food.” “They don’t need to leave,” Jesus responded. “You can give them something to eat.” They answered, “But all we have is five barley loaves and two fish.” “Let me have them,” Jesus replied. Then he had everyone sit down on the grass and he then took the five loaves and two fish. He looked up into heaven, gave thanks to God, and broke the bread into pieces. He then gave it to his disciples, who in turn gave it to the crowds. And everyone ate until they were satisfied, for the food was multiplied in front of their eyes! They picked up the leftovers and filled up twelve baskets full! There were about five thousand men who were fed, in addition to many women and children!”‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/1849/mat.14.13-21.TPT

Jesus can provide and fill any kind of need that we come with, no matter how big or insurmountable it seems. And no matter what you come with, God can do something with it. And that’s what I’m currently holding onto. I don’t know what God will do with, in, or through all of this- but I know that God is big enough to carry my grief and my anger and knows the tenderness of my gratitude.

So that’s the latest life and health update- raw & unfiltered. I know it’s been a while for the blog, more posts to come towards the end of the year when I have more time, and poetry coming out asap. The podcast is still on hold, but I’m working towards something. Drop a comment if you read this…

– Bella, signing off.